Spiritual escape, spiritual bypass

Overwhelmed?

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you dropped everything and turned to your spirituality? I know I have. In fact, I have done it for days on end, which led to months and then years.

I added yoga to the mix as well as dream interpretation and psychology. Although it is all good to dig deep into yourself and find all of your secrets, it can be a double-edged sword. Is it part of the path to enlightenment, or it is a danger to avoid?

Yoga addiction

From the start what got me into yoga was the feeling of loneliness and a special group of people to practice with to stir it all up inside me. I think we were all there for the same reason. It was an escape while I was doing it, but it led to my freedom and happiness.

I was feeling bliss as if flying, yet I was also genuinely lost and ungrounded while I was not practicing yoga. I escaped my life and reality and lived in my yoga, always moving, isolating myself more and more from friends and family into my inner world. I was obsessed to meet some end, knowing on some level that the only way to open the door to peace was through this uneasiness and drama that I created.

Stop escaping

With much strength and years I was able to get a hold of the escapist manner in which I was dealing with my life. I realized I mimicked my life in my yoga! I was able to get out of the endless loop and holding pattern I was in. It was a world full of tremendous feeling, love and loneliness, that I revisited every day while practicing yoga and while living in my unconscious.

There were times when I would force myself to take a nap just so that I could have a dream to interpret, and later meditate upon. In short, I was not able to live in my waking life.

Like a drug

In retrospect, I am glad that Perseverance is my middle name, for without that I would still be spinning to this day. Before I got past my stubbornness, however, I let myself feel tortured as if it were food. It was toxic and negative, yet I stayed in it like a drug always needing more and more.

On top of the physical asanas of yoga, I was using spiritual ideas to avoid my life or space out. My aspiration was innocent though as I was trying to meet the ultimate spiritual goal. And at one point on a yoga retreat my thoughts created this reality as I saw a purple light at the top of my skull—the 7th chakra and the most profound experience I've ever had.

Enlightenment via crazy?

So, it has been my experience that in order to reach a sense of peace, we need to go a little crazy in the process. It is a salvation through suffering to some extent. The reason I always bring my body to its physical edge is because I am willing to crack open all the secrets inside me. Still, in general (for 3 years), I was miserable and seeking... I do not consider that enlightenment, but suffering.

Bypassing challenging work

It is as if I were prematurely trying to transcend my human needs, feelings and personal issues using nondual ideas to bypass the challenging work of personal transformation. I told myself I was transforming, but was I really?

Transformation after I learned to trust

I felt the true transformation happen after I found peace and learned to trust in the magical process. When I was able to let go, lay down and crumble to the ground, and stop being so manic about interpreting my unconscious, I felt better. It was as if I were always trying to prove something to myself and potentially to others. When I stopped this, I changed and immediately felt lighter. It was bliss.

No longer addicted to yoga

Now that I am past that whole phase, I can feel the difference. I am at peace now since the underlying fear is gone. I am no longer addicted to my yoga practice. Instead, I have moved to a new level. I can go to any class that comes to mind, or not; I can practice on my own or decide to hike instead.

Of course, I have my preferences and go through phases where I want to get stronger and more motivated in my life, and yoga is a way to cultivate this. For example, if I dedicate myself to 6 days in a row of yoga with one of my advanced teachers, it creates a discipline in me that I take to other areas of my life.

The best part is that I am now more authentic about my love. I used my yoga practice during those "escapist years" as if a lover. I needed it and believed that my answer was to be found in it, not in myself—as if the two were separate. I didn't know then that through yoga I was able to access my true self. I was told this, of course, but I did not feel it. The idea was superficial until I was able to live it. I only felt an external longing for something outside of myself to make me feel at peace. Now, I see the difference!

Stillness and feeling

I no longer escape my life, I live it. I live my yoga. I am my yoga. I let my yoga embody me. My favorite place to be in the world is stillness. To feel as if I'm amongst the stars and connected to my loved ones is a precious gift. These states of being invite me to write words of depth and introspection that I should never abandon.

I have found that I danced between truly feeling (which is sometimes sadness) and transforming the profound feelings of love into nourishing energy to keep me on the path toward happiness.  

I love the way my mind works, especially now in my life. I feel so blessed that I am able to confidently write on this subject and be truthful. My lesson: Learn to expect the unexpected. "Leap and the net will appear." (Zen proverb)

Namaste.

© 2010 Yoga Robin^®